Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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