APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
