for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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