Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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