last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
