you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
