what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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