I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
