So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
