Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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