I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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