please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
