if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
