Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
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I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
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i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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