Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's blow job season.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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