its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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