remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
