i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
