Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
