What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
