she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
