Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You are the jesus of drinking
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
