ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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