btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
