I wish my penis had an off switch
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
