I think I died a long time ago.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
