Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
