4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is Oprah even human
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
