I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i now understand why vodka
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
