plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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