her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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