I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
