Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
