Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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