Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
