I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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