My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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