my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
