I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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