I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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