Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
