You can't motorboat a personality
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
