I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
