she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
