I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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