I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
