i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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