I think I won the penis lottery.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
