thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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