stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
