I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
