And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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