Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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