Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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