You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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